silence speaks

三寸天堂

2012-01-15T23:59:00.002+08:00

三寸天堂

停在这里不敢走下去
让悲伤无法上演

下一页你亲手写上的离别
由不得我拒绝

这条路我们走得太匆忙
拥抱着并不真实的欲望
来不及等不及回头欣赏
木兰香遮不住伤
不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光

那天堂是我爱过你的地方

Memories

2012-01-15T02:32:00.002+08:00

Memories

Sometimes I wish that humans have the ability to have

Control over what they want to recall and what they want to

forget. We'll all be better this way won't we?

Or maybe the ability to travel back in time to change certain decisions.

Would that kinda supernatural power rip off our motivations to get over and

move forward since we can always restart the game?

Life is full of questions, some with no answers, some with too many possibilities.

I don't like uncertainty but I just have to make do. Argh.

新心辛

2012-01-10T23:57:00.002+08:00

心，辛，新

心不动，则不痛。

惟有历经辛，才能痛定思痛。

直到痛彻心扉，才能迎接崭新的未来。

都是彼此的过客，交际越发越少。

这，未免不是件好事。

真心希望，谁都别回头。

拿不起，要放得下。

2012

2012-01-06T22:26:00.002+08:00

year 2012

it has been 6 days since new year. Time really flies when you're having holidays,

dont they?

new year resolutions?

nothing special, still the same and i'm wondering if I've ever completed

my resolutions since it's kinda a lifetime goal?

AND

today i must record in my blog that i received a prank/scam call .__.

seriously, how can people cheat money using parents' fragile hearts?

my mum would have panicked like mad if she picked up the call.

Are you really that jobless that you have to do this to feed yourself/your family?

Don you think you'll be condemned when you die for doing such things?

Conscience, is one of the things that differentiate humans from animals.

Please think about how you'll feel if you received such calls about your child.

君子，有所为，有所不为也。

下定决心的我希望你也守住你的初心。

不对等的热情

2011-12-13T00:36:00.002+08:00

[ 不对等的热情 ] 张小娴作品

感情的事很奇怪。你很投入的时候，对方很抽离。你很抽离的时候，对方又偏偏很投入。

　　你对这段情很投入，可是对方对你一直也有点保留。你很爱他，他却不知道他爱你有多深。你们的热情并不对等。最后，他离开了，你一个人伤心地过日子。

　　某年某天某地，你碰到另一个人，他爱上了你，他对你很好。这一次，却是你不够投入。你不是不爱他，只是你不知道自己爱他有多深。经过上一段感情创伤，你变得有所保留，你比以前冷静得多，你不再相信承诺，不再相信这个人会永远爱你，也不再相信他会给你幸福。他愈投入，你愈抽离。

　　你很清楚知道这样对他不公平，但你没办法。为什么在你未受伤害之前没有遇上他？为什么在你对感情百分百投入的时候，没有遇上他？为什么他偏偏在你不信任感情的时候出现？

　　刚好两个人都百分百投入，原来是不容易的。

　　每个人都有自己的一段历史，我们最好在适当的时候相遇。一个投入的人碰上一个疏离的人，结局只有分手。下一次，我希望我们和遇的时间会好一点。

这段话我好像能体会。

不对等的付出其实不止在爱情才会发生，就算亲情和友情也无可避免。

所以说时机很重要吧？当你拼命地付出却感觉对方没相等的回应，

就会感到厌倦，对方察觉变化时，可能会倾注更多的情感来挽回。

当你对这段感情从新抱有希望时，可能又到对方感觉疲惫了。

这是一种循环，只是，亡羊补牢是否为时已晚呢？

对爱情渴望是人的本性吗？

我希望不是，因为，有时渴望会蒙蔽人们的双眼，

把不完美的，当成完美的，

把欲望当成了需要，

把遐想当成了期望。

把怦然当成了心动。

其实人们没那么容易对其他人心动，

却有很多人把初遇的怦然当成了心动，

又把心动当成了爱情。

心动。。

应该是不管过了多久，对着同样的人，有着同样异样的感觉吧？

不是喜欢，

是和别人不一样的感觉，

是一种美丽邂逅的回忆，

是一种不会变的微妙情感。

似乎让我明白到，有时没结果原来可能是最好的结果。

人，拼命地争取自己当下想拥有地东西，好像并不是一件好事，

因为。。

拥有可能就是失去的开始。

所以，不要急着拥有，拥有的时间可能会更长久也未定。

2011-12-07T14:17:00.002+08:00

Already one year by brown eyes

Because it’s the first time, I will be alright after a couple days
with the thought that it has already been one year
Sadness finds me with every anniversary that was made with you
I was so self-conscious the first time I confessed my love,
after the day we first met passed
On your birthday I celebrate with a cake of tears and lit candles
I Believe in you I Believe in your mind
A year has already passed, but after a year and another year on top of that
I’ll be waiting for you
I couldn’t say that I want to see you so much, to please come back to me
Because the warm look in his eyes
makes your face glow brighter than the ring on your left hand
I Believe in you I Believe in your mind
Knowing you’ve started over, making memories without me now
The memories I think back on are always past laughs, talks, and wishes
There’s only one new memory, the wait for you to turn into tears
I Believe in you I Believe in your mind
Knowing you’ve started over, making memories without me now
I Believe in you I Believe in your mind
A year has already passed, but after a year and another year on top of that
I’ll be waiting for you

pretty nice song :)

It's closing up to two years.

I believe in me, in my mind.

放开

2011-12-03T23:38:00.002+08:00

放开

放开，放下，

我几时才能办到？

到底，为何，为何还是那么在意？

真是百思不得其解。

我，真是个死脑筋。

捆住人，也作茧自缚。

何时才能展开翅膀，自由地翱翔呢？

blindfolded

2011-12-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

blindfolded

i'm blindfolded. But i think i'm seeing once again.

by now, you know that.

not gonna spend my holidays being upset with this and that.

i wan to enjoy it, no matter what.

就到这

2011-12-01T23:43:00.002+08:00

就到这

就到这就好，真的。

再多一步就越过我的界限，我会无条件反击的。

不要把我的容忍当成是理所当然的。

尊重是要彼此给的。

别把我的无所谓当成袭击我的武器

有些裂痕你无法去遮，只能舍得

微笑地带过。

箭靶，是我的座右铭吗？

holidays

2011-11-30T18:48:00.002+08:00

holidays

yes. the long anticipated holidays are here! but i guess it'll whizz pass pretty

fast too.

But still, it's a month of simplicity,serenity and comfort. A period to be thankful

for the time spent staring at the ceiling, sipping a cup of coffee at the cafe,

reading a book and watching some random television programmes.

All these things that are sooo taken-for-granted yet deeply deprived during

schooldays.

I think i really learnt to appreciate such simple everyday doings after i got into uni.

Is that growing up? Does growing up means waking up to realise that you've lost something

you didnt think you would? It is of little wonder why people say growing up is hard then.

It's time to really make full use of the short span of happiness now. Feels like we're all cinderellas, we have till 12 to indulge in enjoyment and freedom and when the clock hits

12, we're back to the same old routine, confronted by the horrible nasty stepmother and

unkind circumstances. Thats what give and take is all about i guess?

Choose to look at the chance of enjoyment, rather than the subsequent turmoil that's going

to unveil. Thats optimistic, right?

Oh well, looking on the bright side, all fairytale ends with a happily-ever-after.

The thing is, do you believe in it?

I think i want to,

or maybe i need to.

I think we should all believe,

the world would be a much better place.

smileys :)

努力

2011-11-23T21:53:00.002+08:00

努力

我的人生，好像从来没有非常努力过。努力是有，但，却从未尽全力。

是性格吗？是太舒适的人生吗？是害怕吗？

我对人生，对自己真的没有要求吗?

又或则，我要求的就是自己过着舒服的日子。

柄着中庸之道的人生哲学是否错了？

希望有一天，会有一样令我全力以赴的东西出现，

让我的人生精彩些。

考试还有三天，加油！

妈说，人，切忌贪婪。

很像

2011-11-21T21:58:00.002+08:00

很像

我发现, 我和他很像,略带一丝忧郁的性格,加上一些感性和感慨

对自己的人生反复研究.

我和他的际遇,仅仅如此.

但也就是这样才令我感到特殊. 一个我很像却又不认识的人的存在.

总之,很高兴认识你.

考完试后,我要到处走走,放松一下!

最想做的,

莫过于到戏院观看那些年.

讲述初恋的故事, 我也想回到那些年.

决定

2011-11-08T21:20:00.002+08:00

决定

‘ 开始就是失去的开始’

做了我该做的。老早就应该做的，是自己自欺欺人，总认为再拖一下可能

会有奇迹。当然，怎么傻也还是我。做得那么绝不是因为幼稚，

是想断了重蹈覆辙的可能。

最终，理智还是战胜了情感。

我可以不拆穿，可是到最后结果也不会改变。

一样的路，到底要走多少次才肯承认路的尽头？

你可能不介意一试再试，可是我累了。

是的，我错了。

weird

2011-11-03T18:32:00.003+08:00

weird

i saw my eyecandy today. Thats not weird.
The weird thing is, its feels like he's full of emotional baggages.
am i thinking too much? Rare that i have additional thoughts
on people i do not know.

I actually am stranded in the middle of the deep sea.
Holding onto a plank, but other people needs it too.
I just want to let go of it and either survive on my own,
or just drown.
Drowning afew times, undead makes you know how to swim.
I guess.

I think telling people about it will help but i just dunno how to
approach the topic, afterall, its a i-deserve-it thingy.
I hate being dependent, really.

When i realise myself looking for excuses to explain your behaviour,
i know something is wrong, with me.
It would be good that i can overlook this fault in me and carry on,
but i cant.
Everyday, i'm summonning courage to do this,
but this is taking far too long and i'm getting impatient with myself.
It gives me no reason to not be able to do it,
when other people can.
I remember my theory about the arrow.
Its time to pull it out.

nobody's home

2011-10-25T18:05:00.003+08:00

nobody's home

cant seem to walk out of this sadness.
This guilt of being unfilial, i cant shake off.
The pain and tears i saw, i cant forget.
The memories i have, intensify each day.
The words i recall hearing, kills me inside.
These emotions, i cant tell.

'come back often.. if not i wont be able to recognise you anymore..'

i just feel like crying.

i have failed my grandpa, my aunt, my family.

2011-10-15T17:33:00.002+08:00

Rihanna - cry

I’m not the type to get my heart broken
I’m not the type to get upset and cry
Coz I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don’t get deep to me
Never get the whole in love thing
If someone could say love me truly
But at the time it didn’t mean a thing
My mind is goneI’m spinnin’ around
And deep inside
My tears I’ll drown
I’m losing grip What’s happening?
I stray from love This is how I feel
This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And they cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I’m in this condition
And I’ve got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you’ll never see me cry
Did it happen when we first kissed?
coz its hurting me to let it go
maybe coz we spent so much time
and I know that it’s no more
I should have never let u hold me baby
Maybe why I’m so sad to see us apart
I didn’t give it to u on purpose
Gotta figure out how u stole my heart
How did I get here with you?
I’ll never know
I never meant to let it get so personal
And after all I tried to do
To stay away from love with you
I’m broken-hearted
I can’t let you know
And I Won’t Let It Show
You won’t see me cry
All my life

This wont be too long.

2011-10-06T23:19:00.002+08:00

只能

你就只能威胁我吗？
我就只能妥协吗？
我们的关系就只能是恶劣的吗？
我在你眼中就只能是烂苹果吗？

我只想在傀儡和乖巧之间划一条线。
我想做你要的乖女孩，可是我不想做你的傀儡，任由你摆布。
这样的我错了吗？

我到底要做到什么程度才可以令你满意？
你到底要伤害我到什么程度才甘心？

我知道
你知道
我的确无能为力
我根本不能和你抗争
你
永远是对的
我永远只能
妥协。

反抗，哭泣，呐喊，争论过后，
最后，
还是妥协。

你说的对，
我没得选择。
没有你就无法生存的我，
真的没得选择。
就只能，
妥协。

盲目的，别无选择地妥协。

如果这时你想要的，
你赢了。
不是因为你有道理，不是因为我认为我错了，
是因为，
你是我最尊敬，最苛刻，最至高无上的
妈妈。

turn around

2011-09-28T00:00:00.002+08:00

turn around

i want to turn back time, back to one if i could.
Since i cant, i can only take a step out because standing still means conformity.

uneasy

2011-09-22T00:30:00.002+08:00

uneasy

我发现我是个很被动的人。
被动的坏处就是被人牵着鼻子走，只能想办法应对别人的决定。
主动的人似乎经常认为主动是一种勇气的表现，而忽略了被动的迁就。
因为是被动的，所以只能沉默，逆来顺受。
当被动咬牙切齿的忍耐，主动如果还咄咄逼人，那被动也会有反击的时候。
主动往往只顾虑到自己的感受，决定都是以主动为主，不管被动是否不介意，是否
喜欢。
被动不会在被动了。

我不要犯错，所以不会再联络。

sick

2011-09-10T11:16:00.002+08:00

sick

It has been a pretty long time since i fell ill. This stomach upset and
the gruelling headache is really winning me hands down.
I still dunno what has caused me to be unwell so abruptly o.o
Went to read my fren's blog and i realised she has been doing what
i have always wanted to do! reading and drinking coffee. Makes me really
envious of her current lifestyle. So in peace.

Don let greed take over you.

counting down to 8 days :)
The excitement has yet to set in.
Maybe i grew past the age already :)
Nevertheless,
it's still a very special day to me. :)

new love

2011-08-23T11:28:00.002+08:00

new love

Realised that i am too early for school. So i'll blog before i go off. haha.
Shall not rattle off the boring topic on school, shall we?
My sis brought home her fren's guitar the other day cos they're joining
their school's talent show and they decided to play and sing the song 'price tag'.
Being a total newbie in guitar, i felt that my sis was over-confident, thinking
that she can figure it how to play in like 3 days? Lame.
But seeing her so stressed over the issue makes me alittle upset with my nonchalent
attitude. So i went online to help her resolve her issue.
In the end, we were really able to make out the tune on the guitar! It has been a real
long time since i've put in so much effort for something and the thrill of accomplishment
was just plain special. I guess that's why so many people are hooked onto music?
I have always wanted to learn an instrument and i think want it more now after i've gotten
contact with it.
Shall really go and get a decent guitar and get my sissy to go for lessons. (i'm too old for it D:)
I probably don have much of a talent in it,
but who cares about that when i derive joy from it. Not as if i'm going for some
profession in guitar!
New target! :)
Fighting!

with or without you

2011-08-16T12:18:00.000+08:00

with or without you

Second week into school and i feel so unprepared. I don reaally know how am
i supposed to survive the following 10 weeks/more.
Fighting~

today i think i met pokerface, in school, when i was alone.
i knew i had afew choices, to stare at him, acknowledged that i saw him and
walked away just like that; or i could just smile and say a simple hi.
But i chose neither, i just turned and pretend i didnt see.
I have never, since a long time ago, assess my feelings towards him.
I prolly don hate him, but i do not like him enough as my fren?
I just hope that our lives never get entangled together, ever again.
But like it's god's fate, i cant seem to. There are always coincidences and relations.
Was mentally prepared that we'll meet one day,
but my heart raced. Right then, i knew. I still do not have enough courage to face the past,
the failure,the unhappy memories. I fear you, till now.
you punctured my life, though it maybe unintentional but all the struggles broke my picture
of relationships.
You are like a key to a part of my past. The part that i want it to sink and settle the most.
The past i hope nobody knew.
Everytime i see you or hear about you, the memories get unravelled.
Till the day these memories do not haunt, i can never face you, can i?
Am i being too childish and vulnerable to not be able to drop the past?
Why are you still affecting me when i closed all doors?
Just how much more do i have to do to be immune?

With or without you, i am still, trapped.

all over again

2011-08-10T02:02:00.002+08:00

all over again

In 2 days time, opps, more like 1 day time, school is gonna start all over again.
Its going to be the last 2 semesters and i have no clues when i'm going thereafter.
):
Will clean up my mood and get ready for school :)
The night makes one vulnerable, but everybody loves the night, feels that it is too
wasted to end the night early.
There are actually people in this world that makes u think u'll never know them
inside out or well enough even if u have all the time in the world and they are, scary.
I'm not going to be one of them, and i hope i don know too many of this kinda people,
it makes you feel the world is just plain scheming and selfish.
Don ask for love, give it first. How many of us know this logic? Then, how many of us
does it? Den, how many of us can perservere it till the end even when there don seem
to be much results?

Do it right, seriously :)

This feeling

2011-07-31T23:48:00.002+08:00

This feeling

Just another random night where i think i need to stop doing what i am doing,
look back and adjust.
I dunno whether its a weird thing, but there are times, times are these where
i want to be alone, to regain my inner peace.
Had this random thought today, i was actually pondering how old and how i would
die. Will i die of illness? accident?
This feeling is getting stronger; that i am meant to be alone.
Even if there is someone i need to make my life feels complete,
i think i cant make his complete,
so lets just live with the incompleteness.

what do you want from me?

2011-07-24T22:35:00.002+08:00

What do you want from me?

Hey, slow it down, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?Yeah, I'm afraid, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
There might have been a time when I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are, so whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?Just don't give up, I am workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me?Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful and it's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak, yeah
But thanks for lovin' me 'cause you're doing it perfectly
Yeah, there might have been a time
When I would let you step awayI wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life
Whataya want from me?Yeah, I'm afraid, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Expectations.
Of a daughter, of a sister, of a friend, of a human.
The bars are too high, i cant reach it without cutting my throat.
I know, bad things come together. It is supposed to make me stronger,
provided that i don go crazy.
I think i hate people who pretend that nothing happenned,
not a word of comfort, like you didnt see, didnt hear, didnt know,
erased from your memory. And asking for more.
My life, is born to support your lives? To make sure you/she is safe and happy,
do well at your/her studies.
I hate to think this way, to look down on myself,
but i feel used, to be readily abandoned when i am of no use.

Disappointed at my family, yes.
But, even more disappointed at myself for being disappointed
at them.

I don think i am someone who loves myself too much,
but i think i am the one who loves myself the most, more than anyone else.
Its karma, right? The problem has to lie with me.

Its reaching the brink already and i know you will never sense it.

a wish right now

2011-07-16T01:23:00.000+08:00

wish right now

i have been so lazy to blog recently. i think i do not have enough depth in me to contruct
a proper blog post that doesnt appear superificial or redundant.
Work is ending in 5 days. Cant wait to wake up when the sun sets and just
stare at my room ceiling, idling.
My fren said that u know ure over a r/s when u feel nth talking about it.
I don think i ever will, seriously.
Nothing to do with anyone, its just me, i have to admit.
I think i just cant accept such a mistake. Something i should have foreseen
but chose to be hopeful about. Someone whom i know clashes but closed one
eye on the difference.
The worst part is my decision don only affect me, it affected everybody else.
Ignorance about the implications got me really disappointed with myself.
In the first place, i should have known what kinda person i am.
I cant open up to people. It takes a great deal of effort and time before i can
be comfortable and trust anyone. And i know this tires out people who are trying
to get close to me. Being the kinda person i am, i cant commit myself to a r/s
and give my all, at least not at the start. Its a vicious cycle, the other party will
eventually get tired of my coldness and inexpressiveness, which turn into disappointments
and bitter words. Finally, the end.

memories fade, your heart remembers the grasp.

goodnight world :)

heya

2011-07-05T22:10:00.002+08:00

heya

Quite a happy week i guess. Everything's peaceful and fine
other than some screwed up ill-mannered customers.
I really don really like people to threaten me. I am here to help,
why the hell are you threatening someone who's here to help?
Biting the hands of goodwill, seriously.

And yes i am stopping work on 22nd ;D
And den i'll enjoy my 1 week plus plus of life before school starts!
So very excited. Shall start planning my 'holiday'!

Till then.
I miss kedou :(

Faces

2011-06-30T20:58:00.002+08:00

faces

i think its hard to know what someone's smile or facial expression means.
It can be a total opposite of what you think it mean.
When did people have to start questioning the meaning of a smile?
When you smile at me, are you really extending goodwill?

It gets tough when people are unpredictable.
When you realise you dont know what the other party is thinking at all,
or if you even know him/her, it sucks.
Maybe its not that the fact that you find him/her confusing that is disappointing,
is the point that he/she does not make an effort to open up and be honest
that is pricking.
When they are not putting in effort, why are you doing it?
I am not doing it.

17 more working days :)

do you hear me?

2011-06-15T22:11:00.002+08:00

Can you hear me?

Ohmy. Is my blog dead? I dunno but i'm dead tired.
I find myself feeling easily annoyed. why?
I guess i need to take a holiday, play all i want, eat all i want.

My ex tutor died. It was so shocking.
I din really felt it till i saw him at the funeral.
It was even sadder seeing his wife, tearing.
I know, what i feel cant be compared to any of hers.
I really can see it in her, her love, her sadness.
Those teary eyes and weak conversations showed it all.
They are a great couple, the kind i wish i will become.
Sweet, simple, family.
I will always remember him and his wife.

So i ask, he pursued his passion and gave so many of us
knowledge and help. Is my life even a quater as meaningful as his?
So i ask, do i do what i preach?

The fulfilling, simple, upright life i have in mind,
am i working towards it?
am i trying hard enough yet?

Its a wake up call, i think it is.

silence

2011-06-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

silence

sometimes, i try to convince myself that i can try giving in to temptations,
why not?
but isit worth?
temptations are ceaseless and then you realise you cant stop resisting them.
What makes you then?
I think i am too noisy, i like myself being quieter.
The reserved, calm and cold me suits me more.
But of course, i still am happy.

Like i always say,
you change little by little, day by day.
Doing a reflection now and then,
tells you where ure standing, what u've become
and where to steer towards.

i hate feeling disappointed and being disappointed at.
But i would rather be the one feeling disappointed.
you wont want to disappoint when you know how disappointment
feels.

it's time to do some soul-searching.

isit period that's making me so down and grey?

unbelieveable

2011-06-02T20:32:00.002+08:00

Unbelieveable

It's times like this that make me feel so sad.
I'm disappointed in you.
I don deserve this, do i?

I think you crossed my line this time.

heaty

2011-05-18T20:36:00.002+08:00

病得不轻

喉咙痛得不得了，就快要连嘴巴都不能开了 :(((((
看来我还真的蛮弱的
身体好像从未感觉强壮过 >:(
怎么搞的啊！

还在考虑义工的抉择，
想做却又害怕无法持续不断。
给我几天想想吧，考虑了再做出决定。
人啊，一定要三思而后行，不是吗？

我总在想，人们为什么要做义工呢？
证明自己好心吗？
不是的，想做是因为想和需要的人分享自己所拥有的。
一个人若唱歌很有天赋，那是因为上天把其他人的天分也给了他。
因此，他不是应该和众人分享吗？
同乐乐不如众乐乐。
当然，我想做义工还有一个私心，就是想和有需要的人接触，
提醒自己我是幸福的，要常常感恩，要更积极。

还是老话，深思熟虑了再做决定。

我还要买书叻！时间在哪呀？

加油加油再加油！
<3

hellos

2011-05-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

hellos

First week of work and its really tiring. Shall not rant becos i'm strong!

My sissy got ipone 4 white! As expected, she's glued to it. haha.
Waiting to get mine in Aug :>

Is life supposed to be full of events?
The simplicity of my life makes me wonder if i'm living like a Singaporean,
a human in the 21st century. Nonetheless, i like the monotonous lifestyle.
I'm different, i think. Good or bad, its subjective and i don really care.

It puzzles me. The stereotype of wearing a ring equating that ure in a r/s
is soo uber shallow and i'm mystified. Whats even funnier is that people
don believe when you speak the truth. Isnt it tough to doubt people's words
and intentions constantly?

Are you thinking what i'm thinking?
I hope ure.
Cos only then,
I'll feel better about it.

hanging by a moment

2011-05-04T01:26:00.000+08:00

hanging by a moment

i'm so tired. my body is going hay-wire but i like the fact that it
reflects my efforts.
i like the feeling of putting in effort to live, probably because i feel
i'm too pampered.
its a dissonance. i hate that its tough but i like it because it's life.
it feels like surf-boarding. it's already hard enough to stand on the surf-board,
but the waves just keep coming relentlessly and mercilessly.
so many times you're wiped out but you have to stand up once again because
you are not dead. It just doesnt make sense if you quit trying when ure alive.
you just have to stand, even if you dont feel like trying anymore, even if you don
see a destination,even when insecurities and fear overwhelms.
but it feels good when you tide through one wave after another it i guess.
Thats what motivates you, that you may tide through just like in the past.
surf-boarding is an individual sport, no matter how much you want others to help you,
or how much the other party wish to help ,there's still a extent to dependency.
so it feels doubly distressing since you're facing everything alone.
but thats life.
still, i love my life and will try to love it.

goodnight to you my one and only reader :)

the hurddle

2011-04-20T01:45:00.002+08:00

the hurddle

the impacts of the oncoming exams are evidently seen on my face.
i'm so drained out. gah.
i think i aged by 10 yrs already.
i need to sleep. goodnight.

victory belongs to the kind-hearted.

life

2011-04-13T20:45:00.000+08:00

life

does it matter whether its a book or a bottle of vodka your hand is holding?
does a person seen holding a cigarette implies he's wasting his life?
does a person seen holding a phd cert shows that he is a kind man?
'ure so stubborn and narrow-minded.' a phrase that i've heard ppl say umpteen times
about me.
i guess i know now. what kind of life you should lead is dependent
on your defination of life.
my ideals about life shouldnt be forced on anyone else other than myself.
the set of expectations and goals about life and character i have defines me but
it shouldnt define people around me.
like the past, i would hold onto these beliefs and thinkings till the day i die.
but unlike the past, i would not expect everybody to have similar beliefs like me.

Many times, people come across a point where they have to decide on whether they should
choose between something that is rationally/socially/morally right but not something you want and something that your heart yearns but aint so right to do.
so, which will you and do you choose?
for me, i always try to choose to do the right thing, even if i hate it.
its just not right to put your own happiness above everything else.
not that its noble to put your happiness right to the last but its the ease at heart that you did the right thing.

like what my best fren said, i also felt i improved.
the day that i can look you in the eye and talk to you,
i would be so proud of myself,
because i overcame not only the sense of failure, but also fear.

when was the last time you shouted at someone and got shouted at?
if u have always been the one shouting, would you know how hurting it
feels to be the one receiving such ferocity?
its wrong to shout at people.
you're building yr pride by stepping on others' and honestly, you don
appear manly or great, you appear as lack of self-discipline and selfish.
I think it's perfectly fine to make mistakes,
but the main point is to think through the process again by standing in
the other party's shoes.
异地思之
if you have never felt that you're ever at fault,
you're never right.

“当你遇到挫折时，他不说一句损你尊严的话；当你意气用事时，他绝不迁就而会娓娓解说事理给你听；当你心情不好时，他绝不和你一般见识而大吵大闹；当你愉快时，他也愉快而且会告诉你；当你烦恼时，他也烦恼但不会轻易告诉你。更主要的是，懂你的人会让你感到轻松，让你的羽毛变得更光滑，更新鲜，更富光彩。”

世上最动听的话不是我爱你或我想你，而是我懂你。

3:33am

2011-04-03T03:26:00.004+08:00

3:33am

i'm up and awake at this unearthly hour. woots.
alot of things going through my mind,
i need to iron out my thoughts.
I realise that i think alot, good and bad.
maybe one day, i
'll let my brain rest awhile and let it zoom out totally.
Let me see,
i got to get: clothes for hawaiian party :(((
got to go: dental
got to eat: fruits
got to stop: eating supper D:
got to calm: my heart
got to be: myself
got to try: exercising
got to start: working on my projectSSSS
got to think: positively

got to say: good night :)

fate

2011-03-28T23:11:00.003+08:00

fate

i do believe in it.
simply becos there are so many coincidental events
happenning around me that i cant deny its sooo coincidental.
good or bad, it is fated i guess :)

Love taught me how to cry, how to disappoint and be disappointed,
how to hurt and be hurt, how to fall.
But it also taught me that this kinda love isnt love from the start.

Concept of love to me,
Once being totally blurr,
then deillusioned,
now I'm starting to understand i think.
so glad to.

wana get some books to read! anyone? :)

milk pudding

2011-03-25T23:45:00.000+08:00

milk pudding!

today's tiffy's bday celebration. was kinda worried that it'll be awkward
cos there are afew people whom i don really know.
but it went out pretty well, guess i over-worry AGAIN.
I always assume people are just as un-friendly as me :( aigoo.
Maybe i should really change abit, not to always wait for people to talk to me,
put in alittle effort to mingle with everyone else. Nothing to lose i guess.

想要得到幸福，要先付出。

I must say i'm so very uberly in love with the milk pudding la!
It's heeavenly a-w-e-s-o-m-e-e, i swear!
but i guess its really alittle over to go for the buffet again just for that pudding hor?
but it's really good~ i ate like 5.
if only they close later, i'll eat even more!!!!!!

oh and i realised,
every r/s actually has a distinct aura. it's actually quite obvious.
its the aura thats penetrating to the surrounding people
i think. Different couples have different auras.
and i must say, i really like those with the comfortable aura :)

and i must say, i think i have been rotting at home for tooo looong,
i'm uber tired after going orchard for maybe 3 hours?
:(((((

Japan fighting! kitty fighting! everybody fighting!!!!!!
顺流或逆流，我们都得抬起头 :))))

相信

2011-03-21T20:17:00.002+08:00

相信

我想要相信我所要相信的；
不被动摇，
不随意更改。

心情稍微好了些，
万幸啊:)

人生不可能没有值得开心的事，
要求降低一点，
心胸宽阔一点，
多用心留意一点，
应该就能发现。
比起大大的喜悦，
小小的知足也许更令人快乐。

想沉沉的入睡，
把疲惫都赶走。

边缘

2011-03-19T17:46:00.002+08:00

边缘

虽然真的很不想说，但，心情真的很低迷。
人生难过，受挫的心情应该经常会有吧，
尽管感觉真的是说不出口的难受，但会好起来的对吧？
如果说我固执地，自讨苦吃地不与人分享，
更贴切的说法会是我想变得更坚强，心里变得更强大。
咬紧牙关的我一定要熬过，然后在过后找到安慰。

认真自我反省后，
好像自以为做得充足的我，
其实还有很多很多不足的地方。
我不能保证下一次一定能做得更好，
但我一定会更努力，更用心。
这成长的过程，到底还有多少艰难的，困苦的
我不知道，也无法确定，
但有一点是无可否认的，
就是不管如何也要握紧拳头撑过去。
害怕与不安纵使挥之不散，
也得小心的迈步。

握住耳朵，
闭紧泛着泪光的眼睛，
紧握双手，
坚守懂事以来的信念。

我，还是忍不住害怕了。
这样的我，是令人失望的对吧？
就让我迷失一天。今天就好。

辛苦时微微笑，是一种强大的坚强。

unforgettable

2011-03-18T15:36:00.003+08:00

Unforgettable

It was such a close shave to losing everything.
I couldnt imagine what could have happenned
if it really came out as the worst case senario.
I am thankful to god for answering my prayer.
I am thankful to you for helping me.
I'll not let it happen twice, ever again.
This is a reminder.
I was this close,
thankfully i was given a chance to learn from my mistake.
I will.
The feeling of such anxiety and having wild thoughts could kill.
Really.
Thank god, amen.

It's shameful to make such a mistake
I am ashamed of myself
I dont have the right to critisize anyone
When I'm lacking so so much
I am sorry and I'll try harder.

love?

2011-03-09T16:13:00.000+08:00

Love?

"Love belongs to Desire. And Desire is always Cruel." -Neil Gaiman

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." -Anais Nin

being pessimistic about love is tragic.
they say life becomes meaningless when you cease to love.
these are truths.
but when love becomes too overpowering
that you, as an individual, cease to live,
then it is just as tragic.

choices exist because everything under the sun is imperfect;
when you choose one over the other,
it means you're prepared to accept its flaws.
the good thing is,
you can always go back to choose again if you regret the initial decision;
the bad thing is,
you got to accept the flaws of the next choice you make and many atimes,
the new choice always seems to lack the plus points of the initial choice.

love is growing up(:

someday

2011-03-01T22:35:00.002+08:00

someday

When i feel i'm getting tired of looking at me exhausted
I want to give all my dreams I've kept hard
Everytime i feel that i'm lacking in so many things more than i have
I lost strength in my legs and drop down
Someday after this darkness clears up
I hope these tears would stop running one day
Ihope the warm sunshine dries these tears
Everyday i hold out comforting myself 'it'll be alright'
But it makes me afraid little by little
I tell myself to believe in myself but i dont
Now i dont know how much longer i can hold out
I dont have enough confidence more and more to convince myself~
But wait it'll come
Although the night is long, the sun comes up
Someday my painful heart will get well
Someday someday

jolted from a nap
slightly gasping and bewildered
the tight clutch in my heart was so familar
i guess i'm stressed
that bits of the unwanted past got unravelled again
maybe
its a wake up call
i'm answering to it.
yes i will,
i know i should.

part 2

2011-02-22T16:45:00.003+08:00

Part 2

omg. There is actually a part to love the way you lie. it's really jaang!
Like it more than part one personally. More singing, less rapping,
lyrics were something i can relate to i guess.
This recess week is sooo hectic. Projects sucks ._.l It's hard to accomodate
to people who are too different from you. Teamwork sometimes mean losing
personal preference and thinking and portraying submissive attitudes. geez.
oh wells, patience is a virtue!

Conscience has to fight the evil, the loneliness and the negativity.
That is why it has to be real strong.
The way for it to grow strong lies in the constant training and struggling.
The best you can do, is to keep this struggling going, even if it drives u crazy.
It's better to be crazy than a good girl turned bad, right? :)

I hold my hands to my ears,
closed my eyes,
tucked in my knees to my body.
simply to get cut off from sound,
from humans and the world.
Silence is what i yearn for,
once in awhile.
To see clearly.

tml's daddy's bday! but he's sick today LOLS.

On the first page of our story the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes

Now there's gravel in our voices
glass is shattered from the fight
in this tug of war, you'll always win
even when I'm right
cause you feed me fables from your hand
with violent words and empty threats

hug me then tell me how ugly I am
but that you'll always love me
then after that shove me
in the aftermath of the destructive path that we're on
two psychopaths

~~this verse was history.~~
stepping on a new stanza now :))

happy belated valentine's day

2011-02-15T17:06:00.007+08:00

------------------------------------------------------------------HAPPY belated VALENTINE'S DAY:)))-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okies. i'm so very sad becos my hair is screwed :((((((((((

i promise not to cut it myself ANYMORE, so can you grow faster? :((

when i wished the bubble tea shop aunty happy vday ytd,

she commented that how can a vday without a valentine be happy?

I was caught off guard. I didnt know what to answer.

Well, to a certain extent, vday IS for couples to celebrate,

so if ure single, there's not really a purpose for celebration i guess?

But then again, it does mean u cant feel happy on a vday without a valentine.

The point here is, maybe i'll be happier with the RIGHT valentine on that day,

but i'm thankful that i don have the wrong one at least.

do i sound like i'm in self-consolation? keke

其实爱对了人情人节每天都过 :)))

The wind, the night

2011-02-13T01:42:00.002+08:00

The wind and the night.

A river flows in you by yiruma. Really jaang :)
Just like how emotions can be subtly embedded in an instrumental piece,
it can be the same for humans too.
I dunno why but i just wana work towards zero emotions.
Not exactly that you dont have any, just that you dont show any.
Oh wells, weird but it probably fulfills the desire to be secretive. keke.

isit inappropriate to order mac delivery now o.o?

smiles

2011-02-09T23:48:00.003+08:00

Smiles~

mummy says according to chinese tradition, today is everybody's birthday!

so HAPPY BIRTHDAY DA JIA~

smile when you feel like it, not when ure obliged to :)

i'm a monster! aupp!

new year new year

2011-02-07T20:34:00.003+08:00

new year

This year's new year differed from the past boring ones.
It was generally fun :) and fattenning ._.
Happy CNY :D hope its not too late haha.
Anyway, stomp has this vday entries where you can write
about how you and your couple met and blah blah blah.
The best entry would win 500 bucks!
It's really interesting containing all sorts of r/s.
REALLY DRAMATIC. keke.
Well, i guess its true that BEAUTY of love lies in the hands of
the beholders.
3 words/phrases that i came across the most?
forever, fate and the right one.
Which i have yet to believe in till now.
haha. They are like synonyms of fairytales to me.
But still, i guess they're truly happy,
thats what matters in the end isnt it?
Cheers~

mistake

2011-01-30T02:05:00.000+08:00

mistakes

Today became a re-vaccination for alot of things.
Today reminded me alot of things.
One, that i'm still vulnerable.
Two,mummy was right.
Three,i should have done better.
Four,mistakes cannot be repeated. Once is far more than enough.
Five, emotional control skills needs to be brushed up.
and alot more.
Yes, i cant believe it either.
I was close to tears at that moment.
It felt like i was pushing myself off a cliff.
It wasnt anybody's fault, it was mine. Sincerely mine solely.
Just read someone posted a quote on fb : i dunno the key to success,
but the key to failure is to please everybody.
True uh?
They dont have to choose.
They can have both but i'm choosing now.
I dowan you in my world,
I know.
Its nothing about time,
time heals nothing nor is it going to change my mind.
Its time to stop pretending that anything's gonna change.
I'm just reaping what i sowed,
so that i know i'm not good at farming,
at all.

Thanks for helping the helpless me.
Thanks for not commenting about my blunder.
Really, in my life, there exists both
angels and demons.
I guess both side i have to take :))

so much to say, so little spoken.
It has ended, at least :)
Goodnight.:)

becoming clear

2011-01-25T23:50:00.003+08:00

the clearing midst

I have always always felt that i'm someone who doesnt have
much of my own mind, i'm generally fine with going with the crowd,
the flow.
But, i'm starting to realise, i'm an anything person for most
of the things, but when it comes to certain things,i have a stand
and i stick STRICTLY to it. Even if i know the consequences are dire,
i would still choose what i chose.
Rigid you called it i guess?
I think its good and bad.
Haha. Just wondering why didnt i see myself as someone like that in the past?
Once, i was worried that like some people out there, i may never
know who i am, what kinda person i'm becoming or have become,
but i guess the midst is clearing up alittle by alittle,
as i learn more and more about myself.
:)
someone who doesnt waver about her stand.
someone who can dont take stands for alot of things,
but if she has one for any issue, she sticks to it and hopes
that people would understand.
becos its something very close to her heart,
thats why she has got a stand for it.
Even if no one does, she'll still keep to it.
Simply becos she cant take a second stand for that
not becos she doesnt want to.

好像忘了

2011-01-24T18:22:00.002+08:00

好像忘了

是快乐的吧？我们都是快乐的，对吧？
好像很久没有情绪的波动，是好的吧？
所谓等价交换就是这个意思吧？
不会太快乐，也不会太悲伤。心，是平静的，坦然的。
我，好像又爱上寂静的夜。
不懂有多少人和我一样觉得，
比起一个见面时能滔滔不绝，有着说不完的话题的人，
我更觉得一个能和你静静面对面坐着也不会尴尬，气氛中甚至弥漫着
平静的幸福感的人更可贵。
对吧？:)

爱情这东西不要相信如果真的还想相信的话就让别人爱上你而你千万别去爱上别人
-丑陋的真理对吧？:)

我怎么好像时时刻刻都散发着连我自己也不理解的忧郁感呢？
不，不是悲伤的；
是，是感慨。
虽然说我不渴望他人的理解，可我还蛮好奇是否有人看我的日记时，
隐约能感受到我这一刻的心情。
因为是奇妙的。
你懂吗？呵呵:)

sick

2011-01-14T01:09:00.000+08:00

just wana do some updates to revive my blog before i go off
to bed. school has started. yes it did. And as always, it didnt
feel good D: But still, gotta hang on and take the strides yea.
Cant believe i'm so demoralised after just 1 week of school :(
Maybe its becos i'm sick. Emo mo mo.

Hoho. To look on a brighter side, maybe i'm going shopping tml!
:))

I've always said ure not a good girl.
U've become protective of yrself.
Which would result in ungivingness and selfishness in a r/s.
That is why ure not cut out for it.
Unless its not a serious one.
But sometimes i think
a serious one brings greater hurt
But yr stand on morals don allow for plays
That is why ure stranded in the middle
Being single is the way.
Ure happier this way.
I know.

This moment, i feel like sitting at cafe,
having a cup of cuppucino and doing
some people-watching.
weird huh?

yes or no

2011-01-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

Had a really enjoyable day playing sports, talked to someone
who is super motivated in life and a heart to heart chatting session
with my best friends. It has been quite awhile since my day feels fulfilling.
It hit me that as people age, it seems like there are less and less people
around whom you can pour your soul out to, maybe becos people's rs drift
apart as they immerse in different endeavours, or simply becos people gets more
mindful of how others see them as they grow older. So i'm glad, more than
glad i still have people around me that i dare to talk about the darker side of
myself to. I know i have to say it out, only then, i know ah, i actually think/feel
this way, its not exactly correct, i have to do smth about it. Only when you
sincerely face and admit faults, only then you will pull the brakes, ya?
Resolution of the year?
It has kinda always been the same for past 2 years. Being a better soul.
There are indeed alot i'm lacking in, and i hope i can correct them in my
living years. It's never easy to be a good person; temptations, complancency
lack of self-discipline and self-reflection makes people vulnerable to wrongdoings.
Alittle by alittle, i want to become someone whom i wont regret being.

So the question is, should i or shouldnt i?
When its rational to do smth but with emotional conflicts,
should we be be rational or follow the latter?
I realise i'm in conflict between rationality and emotions most of the time,
and i've been thankful that rationality manages to win most of the time.
But why do i feel that being rational this time round wont be right?
At the end of it, i know, clearly, rationality will win, but for once,
i actually hoped i could be more emotional about this.
Maybe, thats why they say, there is always 2 sides to a coin.
i can do it, cant i?

again and again

2010-12-31T13:54:00.000+08:00

Yea, i'm back, with a new blog. Though i'm never outright
nor candid with my thoughts, i still like to express them,
just that i do it in a subtle way. Afterall, I'm not that kinda
who wants people to agree with everything i say.

To celebrate a new start of a new blog, i shall do a random
facebook quiz =x

Time check: 9.42 PM

Name : Zhang Jie Wen

Brothers : 0

Eye color : dark brown

Shoe size : 7

Hair : Long and dry

Piercings : ears

Height : 168 cm

What are you wearing right now ? : addidas dry fit plus FBT

Where do you live ? : Bedok

Favourite number : ummm 23

Favourite drink : eh milo? Minute maid

Favourite month : September la duh

Favourite breakfast : nasi lemak ;D

- Have you ever -

Broken a bone : No

Been in a police car : No

Fallen for a friend : you mean its possible to fall for a stranger o.o

Fallen for a guy / girl in a short period of time : not really

Swam in the ocean : no, if not i wont be here ._.

Fallen asleep in school: Yes

Broken someone's heart ? : Dont think so

Cried when someone died ? : yes

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : nah, i need to sleep

Saved e - mails : no

Been cheated on : urh. guess not?

- What is-

Your room like ? : brown and beach

What is right beside you ? : chocolate milk tea ;D

What is the last thing you ate ? : marcaroni

- Ever had -
Chicken pox : NO. I GOT VACINNATION

Sore throat : Obviously yes

Stitches : nope

Broken nose : LOLS.

- Do you -

Believe in love at first sight ? : not really

Like picnic ? : Starting to

- Who -

Who did you last yell at ? : my sis

Who was the last person you danced with ? : audition counted o.o?

Who last made you smile ? : I smile at myself

- Final Questions -

What are you listening to right now ? : korean songs ;D

What did you do today ? : work :(

Diamond or pearl ? diamond

Are you the oldest ? : Yea

Indoors or Outdoors ? : Indoors ba

- Today did you -

Talk to someone you like ? : No

Kiss anyone ? : No

Sing ? : No

Talk to an ex ? : NEVER

Miss someone ? : no

Eat ? : Obviously la. >:(

- Last person who -

You talked to on the phone ? : sissy

Made you cry : Cant rmb =x

Went to the movies with ? : Secret :P

You went to the mall with : evelyn

Who cheered you up ? : some customer's retarted complaints

- Have you -

Been to Mexico ? : Not yearning to

Been to USA ? : Hopefully

- Random -

Have a crush on someone ? : Yes my dear

What books are you reading right now ? : Maybe tml i'll try to find smth to read

Best feeling in the world : living your life right

Future kids names ? HAHA. Tess.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal ? : No

What's under your bed ? : huh? ah piao?

Favourite sports : badminton n squash

Favourite place ? : beach

Who do you really hate ? : Hmm, not so intense.

Do you have a job ? : Yea

What times is it now ? : 9:50PM

umm, i conclude i shouldnt do quizes again.
It feels umm retarted. =\

Bleahs.
2010 is coming to an end.
A year just whizzed past and i dont
really have any recollection of what i accomplished o.o
2011 is around the corner and i'm actually feeling afraid.
Guess i'm just resistant to changes, to the unknown future.
Negative thoughts aside, tml is steamboat day ;D
Counting down at shiting's house may not be the most exciting
way to end the year and start a new year, but i think
its the most heartwarming and comfortable way to do it (:
My frens, they give me a great sense of security.